Thursday, 11 December 2008

Tuesday, 9 December 2008

The Sickness

I has it. Ogods my brains.

They're being crushed. VIRUS! VIRUS!

Squishy brain disease! My skull is imploding. I feel confused and continually fatigued and have spent the last 28 hours asleep on the floor, endlessly flicking between brief dreams of a few minutes each, waking up at times several times a minute and falling asleep again as easily.

Uncomfortable. Strange.

Arghgrhga. Someone distract me.

http://img.7chan.org/fl/src/loligothgirls.swf - Click it.

Monday, 1 December 2008

Sense

Thursday, 13 November 2008

All Full of Thought

My mind is crammed, getting busier, approaching a gridlock, jamming up as I reach a point where I alone, or my thoughts, can go no further.

Where action, or another mind, are the only things able to handle the next state of the process.

All jammed up..

Flobots - Handlebars

Check it out - Decent message, decent music, good video. Enjoy, and let it make you think - It's nothing new or too special if your mind is open, but heartening and inspiring when you're feeling burnt out. It's smallminded of the group to be so fixated upon America, as though borders and titles, nationalities mean anything, but I guess that's the core of the problem.

America - An intensity of creativity, stupidity, passive laziness and violent activity. Productivity for both peace and war, it's the the one country with the strongest likelihood of either ending the world or saving it, through sheer multicultural crush and zealous pride.

That woke up my head..

I've got other things on my mind - Addiction - Kept Leigh company at the release event for World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lich King at midnight, a shop packed to bursting with dwarves and other mutants, so many genetic oddities and obese, ugly people, mixed with gangling 6'4" giants stooping and hunching and giggling - joining together to roar 'Leroy Jenkins!!!', chanting like a church congregation in full swing.

Disturbing.. Never think of nerds as harmless or free from convention, they're just as vulnerable to being turned into monsters, people - I mean it. They were -mutants-.

...

Need to get creative. But it's so hard, sometimes I think "Damn, I should really start writing movie reviews and game reviews", the next day I feel sick to the core to have considered such a thing important while lives are ruined and potential is wasted.

Sometimes I want to save the world, then I decide the best way to move forward is to kill almost everyone and reintroduce the principles of survival of the fittest.

I'm enjoying Fallout 3 a great deal, it's good leisure time now that I'm getting into it, feeling like part of the world. A drastically flawed game with a smallminded and lazy design and execution, but for all that it remains fun to explore a virtual world and discover its secrets. That's the pleasure - similar to Morrowind in that respect. I intend to create a map for it soon so I can make notes - idiots failed to include any way to do that in the game, or even to provide any kind of map outside of the pipboy.

Just a game though - I don't feel.. gamey, now. I'm checking up on this Flobots band.. Too damn patriotic, too focused on one land.. But good comic on their site, check it - Flobots Comic.

I want to do more. I've a friend travelled up North to spend a few weeks with friends, and every damn day they're painting, writing, making films, doing things, or so she tells me. Gods, the things I could do with friends like that..

But no - my tolerance prevents it, or lack thereof. I only accept people so bright they're also broken, passive, shy and withdrawn, unable to produce. Perhaps if I was to tell them what to do, but i don't want friends I can control - I hope for allies I can share with, to inspire one another, to aid one another.

Not just.. subordinates, worshippers, sycophants or obedients. I have never liked leadership.

I seek.. Companions.

Not excuses. I get a lot of excuses.

*sighs*

Some of them are my own, of course. I never cease to believe wholly in my reasons for my inactivity, my attempted justifications for living day after day in lazy lack of motive or energy. The best I do is draw a cartoonish mess every few weeks, that few people ever see. I could learn so fast if only I had the inspiration. But, fuck, all I even talk to most of my friends about is sex and their social problems, and this - my own inactivity and the discomfort it causes me.

I cannot find a solution. I know I'm waiting for one to fall out of the sky. And I know being blunt and admitting that still isn't going to make it happen. But seeking out the future has never found it for me, only fateful occurence has. I can only wait, and do all I can to be productive and happy while I wait. I should stop waiting, stop even thinking about it.

I always say you have to depend upon yourself, be able to - then all other people are luxuries to be appreciated rather than necessities to be expected.

I should follow that.

I need to be able to produce things alone, however hard that is or unsatisfactory the outcome.

It is better than nothing.

Sure, it might burn me out - But is an engine never fired better than one broken by misuse?

I do crave people though. I tend to find inspiration so easily in other people and other things - Alone I'm simply at peace, if not for the nagging need to create.

I came to peace with myself some time ago. I am now so.. strong, so well-armoured, so well-armed, mentally, emotionally, creativily, socially, empathically!

I need something to spend it on, to test it on..

Damn it, send me.. something. But that, that is me speaking to a god I don't believe in, to a higher power I have never relied on.

I am my own god - call it posthumanism, I have surpassed what I consider human - those who seek a superior to give them security and direction, and found in myself my own god. I believe not in anyone else, but myself. I only need myself.

And if it was only me, all I'd need to do would be survive - which is all I do.

It is the existence of others, and their world, that mandates I do more - But it is those people I need to -do- more for them. And I see them, but don't have them.

So hard to find the right ones.. Only fate or random chance seem to have ever given them to me.

Hmm.. I'll publish this now, and think for a while.


Added a while later: Damnit, typing up all that whining foolery lent me a sense of satisfaction and achievement. I did not deserve it, the blog was irrelevant.. I need more.

Monday, 10 November 2008

Crying Freeman

A film by Christophe Gans, esteemed director of The Brotherhood of the Wolf, Silent Hill and the presently in-production Onimusha.

You should go and watch it now. Style and substance, plot and power... A good story, good acting, good directing, good camerawork, I just can't find anything to complain about and that's really quite unsettling X.x

Consider it among my favourite films.. Without inherent significance or meaning, but entertainment at its very finest.

Enjoy, and share - Crying Freeman.

Thursday, 6 November 2008

Sad..

"i'm 21 & i did'nt get my liscense until last june. i don't feel any more free. i was always doing what the fuck i wanted, now i feel confined. having a job feels like i have no soul.

stay strange"

- A random individual commenting someone's journal on a profiling website. His picture showed an attention-seeking goth-metalhead type in a black mask.

It regards having a car, and a job.

Read truth, people.. At least this guy could admit it.


...


In other news, Left 4 Dead is fantastic, but absolutely relies upon having decent teammates.


- Jack

Left 4 Dead PrePurchase

Demo in T-minus five hours, and counting.

Bleep! X.x

Wednesday, 5 November 2008

Since when..

... Does tossing hundreds of explosives into the air at random while playing a combination of the Star Wars and Pirates of the Caribbean soundtracks constitute an official, city-sponsored fireworks display?

And setting fires is illegal.

Hm o.o

.. For a pyromaniac, I'm surprisingly bad at setting fire to things.. Everything I could burn, I stare at for a while, thinking "But I could do something useful with this.."


... Left 4 Dead tomorrow X.x


- Jackle

Sunday, 2 November 2008

Darkfall Online

An MMO about to be released..

Actually looks fun O.o

I will report further, in time.

I hate ghosts. No, not that kind.

Ghost blueprints in games, a grey, hazy, glowing, or coloured mass saying "A STRUCTURE, EXPLOSIVE OR INDIVIDUAL COULD STAND HERE. IT COULD BE YOU. YOUR POTENTIAL IS INFINITE. BUILD THE HOUSE, DON'T BUILD THE HOUSE - YOU THINK I CARE?! I'LL JUST SIT HERE AND GLOW, FUCKER. DEAL WITH IT."

Hazy fuckers. Nothing kills immersion like ghostly power plants and translucent bombs.

Wake up, designers, think for yourselves instead of copying your forebears.

.. Why did I wake up thinking this? Why do I rise from dreams to find my mind ranting about ghost images in computer games?!

Mood: Confused, and angry! Like Rainbow Bear!

Concept/Design - November 2nd

Simplistic RTS concept, slider for quality effects build time and resource cost at expense of endurance/morale/hitpoints/damage, applying to all manner of units...

Watch tower; Height slider effects stability, cost and endurance, against sight range.

More complex - Decide materials used, physically design/blueprint the structure - Modify dynamically at later date with material of choice, allowing dynamic construction of stone-based towers with wooden upper-reaches - High winds, ingame weather pose a risk.

Wholly wooden towers would be vulnerable to fire, and powerful hand weapons..

Saturday, 1 November 2008

Quotes, provided by Grey Matter - Click for the Game

"Anxiety is the essential condition of intellectual and artistic creation"

"If you realise that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to. If you are not afraid of dying, there is nothing you cannot achieve."

"A person needs a little madness, or else they never dare cut the rope and be free."

"How do you take away from a man his madness, without also taking away his identity?"


It was a fun game. Finding out it agreed with me - philosophically - made it better ^^

Hallow's Over

But under-par.

I wandered with an old friend, for lack of anything better.

Purple wigs, sour expressions, men dressed as superman and women dressed as whores. What happened to Halloween?

Nothing but another excuse to get drunk, in this city..

It was more fun in a virtual world, to sit back and watch a few hours of Dead Space well-played, far more fitting. But I don't want a world where I hide in a virtual representation of fiction because the real thing is an alcohol-soaked mess.

How can I change the world, to make it what I believe it should be?

Oh, and what a welcome home. A new acquaintance, initially bright and chipper, soon descends to questioning me on why I don't have a job, before departing with the sharp retort "You are a disturbed young man, who needs a big wake-up call.".. This, from a woman who defines her life by earning money, who justifies her 'right to live' by the fact she has a job. She told me these things.

Sparked a true explosion of anger, did that one.. It was painful, but it felt good. I haven't exploded in all too long. I should do it more, the flavour is sour but the aftertaste is.. So enlightening.

I feel like I've been asleep for months, wrapped up in people's repetitive emotional problems and too much computer gaming. It's good to be awake again.

God fucking damn it all, this world needs changing...

"Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live".

"sadly many humans just live by the book and never actually wake up from the dream because the moment you do so you separate yourself from the group of people around you that live the same way."

"there are just so many twisted things in our society that are looked upon as normal, while the people with opposite opinion are either called lunatics or saints"

"
I had a topic a while back, just because you are 'awake', walking, drawing breath, you think you can say you are NOT dreaming? Maybe ppl dream, they are not awake, they are not aware truly of whats around them."

"
you're theory makes me thing a little about what marx tried to do, and stalin. the main ideology in communists was that everyone is equal. well everyone is NOT equal."

Random quotes, random people in a thread on a forum Google gave me... Foolish folk, but not without merit, they know something of truth, though they don't seem to understand it.

I snipped the best bits, shorn of the stupidity that led to and followed the quotes.

Why don't you see reality? Why don't you want to open your eyes and join me in the real world?

Friday, 31 October 2008

The Zombie's Worst Enemy



If yon wandering deadite has the misfortune to blunder his way through one of these easily pushed-open doors, one fitted with such a maniacally cunning device, he shall
surely find himself the victim of a dread trap from which there is no easy escape!!!

Oh, the undead can push with the finest of pushers, but can the dead PULL?

I think not, friends.

Learn well, and fit automatic closer brackets!


- Jack

Thursday, 30 October 2008

Hallow's Even

Hallow's Odd.

Ahoy there. My first post, made the day before Halloween 2008. Possibly my last, too; I sought a place to post my thoughts as and when I wish to, and this appeared the most.. Accessible.

I'm confused and dismayed by this holiday. Or perhaps by those who celebrate it - What has alcoholic stupidity and staggering around dressed as a cowboy or a doctor, a pirate or a fairy to do with this season? Like all others, merely another unnecessary and unsuitable excuse to drink in excess and be fools..

This is a night of freedom from tradition, of life and death mixed together, to appreciate what you've got and to -change-.. Anarchy and mutation, evolution and excitement, and a time to feed imaginations and feel fear like we once did.

If only someone else thought so, I might have something to do tomorrow *grins*

Looks like lonely wandering, draped in gore and festooned with ropes, for me.


- Jakk