All Full of Thought

My mind is crammed, getting busier, approaching a gridlock, jamming up as I reach a point where I alone, or my thoughts, can go no further.

Where action, or another mind, are the only things able to handle the next state of the process.

All jammed up..

Flobots - Handlebars

Check it out - Decent message, decent music, good video. Enjoy, and let it make you think - It's nothing new or too special if your mind is open, but heartening and inspiring when you're feeling burnt out. It's smallminded of the group to be so fixated upon America, as though borders and titles, nationalities mean anything, but I guess that's the core of the problem.

America - An intensity of creativity, stupidity, passive laziness and violent activity. Productivity for both peace and war, it's the the one country with the strongest likelihood of either ending the world or saving it, through sheer multicultural crush and zealous pride.

That woke up my head..

I've got other things on my mind - Addiction - Kept Leigh company at the release event for World of Warcraft: Wrath of the Lich King at midnight, a shop packed to bursting with dwarves and other mutants, so many genetic oddities and obese, ugly people, mixed with gangling 6'4" giants stooping and hunching and giggling - joining together to roar 'Leroy Jenkins!!!', chanting like a church congregation in full swing.

Disturbing.. Never think of nerds as harmless or free from convention, they're just as vulnerable to being turned into monsters, people - I mean it. They were -mutants-.

...

Need to get creative. But it's so hard, sometimes I think "Damn, I should really start writing movie reviews and game reviews", the next day I feel sick to the core to have considered such a thing important while lives are ruined and potential is wasted.

Sometimes I want to save the world, then I decide the best way to move forward is to kill almost everyone and reintroduce the principles of survival of the fittest.

I'm enjoying Fallout 3 a great deal, it's good leisure time now that I'm getting into it, feeling like part of the world. A drastically flawed game with a smallminded and lazy design and execution, but for all that it remains fun to explore a virtual world and discover its secrets. That's the pleasure - similar to Morrowind in that respect. I intend to create a map for it soon so I can make notes - idiots failed to include any way to do that in the game, or even to provide any kind of map outside of the pipboy.

Just a game though - I don't feel.. gamey, now. I'm checking up on this Flobots band.. Too damn patriotic, too focused on one land.. But good comic on their site, check it - Flobots Comic.

I want to do more. I've a friend travelled up North to spend a few weeks with friends, and every damn day they're painting, writing, making films, doing things, or so she tells me. Gods, the things I could do with friends like that..

But no - my tolerance prevents it, or lack thereof. I only accept people so bright they're also broken, passive, shy and withdrawn, unable to produce. Perhaps if I was to tell them what to do, but i don't want friends I can control - I hope for allies I can share with, to inspire one another, to aid one another.

Not just.. subordinates, worshippers, sycophants or obedients. I have never liked leadership.

I seek.. Companions.

Not excuses. I get a lot of excuses.

*sighs*

Some of them are my own, of course. I never cease to believe wholly in my reasons for my inactivity, my attempted justifications for living day after day in lazy lack of motive or energy. The best I do is draw a cartoonish mess every few weeks, that few people ever see. I could learn so fast if only I had the inspiration. But, fuck, all I even talk to most of my friends about is sex and their social problems, and this - my own inactivity and the discomfort it causes me.

I cannot find a solution. I know I'm waiting for one to fall out of the sky. And I know being blunt and admitting that still isn't going to make it happen. But seeking out the future has never found it for me, only fateful occurence has. I can only wait, and do all I can to be productive and happy while I wait. I should stop waiting, stop even thinking about it.

I always say you have to depend upon yourself, be able to - then all other people are luxuries to be appreciated rather than necessities to be expected.

I should follow that.

I need to be able to produce things alone, however hard that is or unsatisfactory the outcome.

It is better than nothing.

Sure, it might burn me out - But is an engine never fired better than one broken by misuse?

I do crave people though. I tend to find inspiration so easily in other people and other things - Alone I'm simply at peace, if not for the nagging need to create.

I came to peace with myself some time ago. I am now so.. strong, so well-armoured, so well-armed, mentally, emotionally, creativily, socially, empathically!

I need something to spend it on, to test it on..

Damn it, send me.. something. But that, that is me speaking to a god I don't believe in, to a higher power I have never relied on.

I am my own god - call it posthumanism, I have surpassed what I consider human - those who seek a superior to give them security and direction, and found in myself my own god. I believe not in anyone else, but myself. I only need myself.

And if it was only me, all I'd need to do would be survive - which is all I do.

It is the existence of others, and their world, that mandates I do more - But it is those people I need to -do- more for them. And I see them, but don't have them.

So hard to find the right ones.. Only fate or random chance seem to have ever given them to me.

Hmm.. I'll publish this now, and think for a while.


Added a while later: Damnit, typing up all that whining foolery lent me a sense of satisfaction and achievement. I did not deserve it, the blog was irrelevant.. I need more.